Before I begin, let me give you a quick update on Dwight’s condition: he’s gone from bad to worse! He’s had this condition for 9 days now & the spots are starting to connect now, there are so many of them! he’s miserable & is having a VERY hard time sleeping. I am, however, very impressed that he has kept himself from scratching! I would have been a bloody mess by now! So….keep praying! I am also “losing it” a bit. My patience with my kids is wearing thin and I’m quickly getting very depressed. Add to this the fact that the weather is grey & cold & I can’t even cuddle with my husband & you get the picture.

OK – now on to the subject. I have an eating disorder – both physical & spiritual. It’s not anorexia or bulemia, but binge eating. Let me explain. (BTW – I have never admitted this to anyone except that dwight & I have talked about it before.) Most of the time, I don’t like to eat. I usually skip breakfast. This started when I had terrible morning sickness & I just lost the desire for food in the morning. So….I’ll drink some coffee & that will keep the hunger pains at bay for a bit. But sometimes I DO feel hunger pains & I ignore them. Sometimes my body is telling me to eat & I just don’t “feel” like it. Sometimes I get too busy to eat & actually forget for a couple hours (usually this is lunchtime) and then I start wondering why my stomach hurts & then I’ll remember that I didn’t eat anything. I usually have a decent dinner & then, before bedtime, comes the majority of my binging! Sometimes I’ll eat a big bowl of chips & queso & then eat some cookies too – gotta have salty AND sweet. Sometimes I’ll do this between meals – I feel a craving for something, but i’m not sure what, so I eat about 10 different snacks until I feel the cravings go away. And i mostly fill my body with junk instead of health food.  I may be skinny (and frankly, I’m underweight) but I am NOT HEALTHY – it’s just easier to hide my problem because I look pretty good on the outside.

So…….the way I feed my body is equivalent to how I feed my soul too. Most of the time, I’m starving myself, even though I’m hungry. I don’t want to, or feel like,  reading the Bible or I’m just tired of reading yet another Christian self-help book. There’s nothing particularly bothering me, so I don’t turn to prayer. Then all of a sudden I go into these bouts of depression & I’m doing all I can to pull myself closer to God by feeding on His word, reading books, praying, etc. Sometimes I want to be close to God, but I just don’t know how, so I try a whole bunch of different things like reading the Bible, sitting outside in prayer, helping & serving others, until I feel better for a bit. Then the cycle starts over again. Or sometimes I feel empty, so I fill up on junk! Spiritually speaking, I may look good, but this isn’t healthy either.

God has been trying to show me how to be in His presence consistantly. Praying prayers of thanksgiving when things are OK & prayers of need when things are not. I’m getting better….I think. I’m trying to do more than snack on “popcorn prayers”, and yet I’m convinced that I’ll never be able to do enough either. Sometimes it’s just admitting that I CAN’T do it that allows Him to come & feed me. I AM hungering & thirsting for Him & I DO crave “pure spiritual milk”, but i’m still learning how to feed myself.

Next up on the “Be Healthy” horizon – EXERCISE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!